Weight loss and appearance
I have been on a journey of weight loss for three years. I am writing a blog and boy have I realized some things about myself while doing it. I had gained well over 100 pounds after I got married. My life style had completely changed! I went from being supported by my Mom and Dad and having the liberties to do what I wanted – within reason of course – to having a full-time job, being married and having to pay my own bills. A huge adjustment for me.
I was working 8 to 5 and grabbing breakfast on the way to work became a habit. Going out to lunch with co-workers became another habit. I never made good choices either. I packed on the pounds. Slow at first and then, bloom I was 200 lbs. I was eating more food than was necessary for one person. I basically gorged. This went on for several years and at one point I was 258.
Several years into my career, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. I have complex partial and simple partial seizures. I take three meds and seizures are not controlled. I was told I could no longer work or drive. All is well though, we adjust our lives and move on. Eight years ago my husband and I were fortunate to have a healthy daughter. My life changed and I became a stay at home mom. It makes me very happy! As I started this new chapter I made new friends. I met a lady at a bible study and we clicked instantly. We are so much alike but she is more angle like while I am more devil. Not in an evil sense. I mean she is sweet and kind and I am sarcastic/funny and a bit hard yet nice – if that makes sense. Anyway, she told me she was going to start doing some personal training. It’s her thing and she was going to give it a try. I signed up right away! She became my trainer and I refer to her as T in my blog.
She got me through a very hard journey. She helped me lose 120 pounds – 258 at my highest down to 138. She was tough on me and was kind, she was there for me any time I needed her. I specifically remember texting her one night telling her she better talk me out of eating a box of donuts. She did too! As I lost weight I learned more and more about myself. I became extremely focused as I started weighing certain amounts. I became very obsessed about what the scale said. My personality would turn a bit ugly. I was going through a lot with the epilepsy surgery candidate process at the same time. My meds would get out of whack. I lost 12 pds while in the hospital for 6 days having testing done. I was thrilled with the weight loss. T was not. She and I started going round and round about where I was weight wise. I went into a complete downward spiral. I would lie to her about what I was eating when I really wasn’t eating much of anything. I had anger towards her for telling me I wasn’t being healthy. This turmoil between us started last fall and continues now. She has begun to understand that she is too close to me to help me with this issue. We are like a parent/child when it comes to this. If she tells me I look healthy, I tell her that to me that means I am fat. If she tells me how I should eat, I want to go and do the opposite. It’s a complete mind game and totally ridiculous. We workout at the same gym but not usually together, she comes to my house for training workouts. The owner of the gym where I workout is helping me with diet. He doesn’t care about my feelings and has no problem telling me about the damage I am doing to myself. For some reason I am willing to listen to him. There is too much emotion between T & I, we are friends and have been through this emotional journey together. The only connection I have with the owner of the gym is that he owns the gym I go to. No emotions with him, he is cold hard facts.
So as I have continued with my blog, I have revealed a lot about myself. I have learned a lot about myself too. The diet struggles, they have been with me for years. I’ve certainly realized that. I’ve dieted to an extreme level and I have over eaten. I’ve tried to think about why I am like this. This obsession I have with thinking I am fat. At 138 or 150 or 258, I see fat & imperfections. I don’t see what other people see. I see someone who still needs to fix weight problems. I remember these feelings in high school and college too. I would diet and workout but I couldn’t change what I saw. I think it first started after my sophomore year in high school. I was a gymnast, since age 3, and my activity level was off the charts so I didn’t really have to watch what I ate. I don’t recall ever thinking about my weight while in gymnastic. Once my activity level went from competitive gymnast to high school track & cheerleading, I gained a couple of pounds – literally a couple. My thought was that I had to diet, I had to watch what I ate. I never considered that those couple of pounds were ok. Then when I was in college I added obsessive workouts at the gym.
I’ve done this dieting thing for years, battling with the feelings of being fat. Been anxious thinking - oh if I could just lose this much weight or tone this area I’d be happy. It’s utterly exhausting. After marriage and starting a career my focused changed. I didn’t find the time for exercise and I didn’t want to battle diets anymore. So I gorged. 120 pds later and I am back to a healthy weight but once again battling long set behaviors and emotions. Now I get to add anger over what the excessive weight gain has done to body. My thoughts aren’t about what others think, I could care less. It’s what I see when I look at myself, that’s the person I can’t seem to make happy. I’m one extreme to the other and always focusing on what is wrong with my appearance or what I need to work on to make it better.
I have been on a journey of weight loss for three years. I am writing a blog and boy have I realized some things about myself while doing it. I had gained well over 100 pounds after I got married. My life style had completely changed! I went from being supported by my Mom and Dad and having the liberties to do what I wanted – within reason of course – to having a full-time job, being married and having to pay my own bills. A huge adjustment for me.
I was working 8 to 5 and grabbing breakfast on the way to work became a habit. Going out to lunch with co-workers became another habit. I never made good choices either. I packed on the pounds. Slow at first and then, bloom I was 200 lbs. I was eating more food than was necessary for one person. I basically gorged. This went on for several years and at one point I was 258.
Several years into my career, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. I have complex partial and simple partial seizures. I take three meds and seizures are not controlled. I was told I could no longer work or drive. All is well though, we adjust our lives and move on. Eight years ago my husband and I were fortunate to have a healthy daughter. My life changed and I became a stay at home mom. It makes me very happy! As I started this new chapter I made new friends. I met a lady at a bible study and we clicked instantly. We are so much alike but she is more angle like while I am more devil. Not in an evil sense. I mean she is sweet and kind and I am sarcastic/funny and a bit hard yet nice – if that makes sense. Anyway, she told me she was going to start doing some personal training. It’s her thing and she was going to give it a try. I signed up right away! She became my trainer and I refer to her as T in my blog.
She got me through a very hard journey. She helped me lose 120 pounds – 258 at my highest down to 138. She was tough on me and was kind, she was there for me any time I needed her. I specifically remember texting her one night telling her she better talk me out of eating a box of donuts. She did too! As I lost weight I learned more and more about myself. I became extremely focused as I started weighing certain amounts. I became very obsessed about what the scale said. My personality would turn a bit ugly. I was going through a lot with the epilepsy surgery candidate process at the same time. My meds would get out of whack. I lost 12 pds while in the hospital for 6 days having testing done. I was thrilled with the weight loss. T was not. She and I started going round and round about where I was weight wise. I went into a complete downward spiral. I would lie to her about what I was eating when I really wasn’t eating much of anything. I had anger towards her for telling me I wasn’t being healthy. This turmoil between us started last fall and continues now. She has begun to understand that she is too close to me to help me with this issue. We are like a parent/child when it comes to this. If she tells me I look healthy, I tell her that to me that means I am fat. If she tells me how I should eat, I want to go and do the opposite. It’s a complete mind game and totally ridiculous. We workout at the same gym but not usually together, she comes to my house for training workouts. The owner of the gym where I workout is helping me with diet. He doesn’t care about my feelings and has no problem telling me about the damage I am doing to myself. For some reason I am willing to listen to him. There is too much emotion between T & I, we are friends and have been through this emotional journey together. The only connection I have with the owner of the gym is that he owns the gym I go to. No emotions with him, he is cold hard facts.
So as I have continued with my blog, I have revealed a lot about myself. I have learned a lot about myself too. The diet struggles, they have been with me for years. I’ve certainly realized that. I’ve dieted to an extreme level and I have over eaten. I’ve tried to think about why I am like this. This obsession I have with thinking I am fat. At 138 or 150 or 258, I see fat & imperfections. I don’t see what other people see. I see someone who still needs to fix weight problems. I remember these feelings in high school and college too. I would diet and workout but I couldn’t change what I saw. I think it first started after my sophomore year in high school. I was a gymnast, since age 3, and my activity level was off the charts so I didn’t really have to watch what I ate. I don’t recall ever thinking about my weight while in gymnastic. Once my activity level went from competitive gymnast to high school track & cheerleading, I gained a couple of pounds – literally a couple. My thought was that I had to diet, I had to watch what I ate. I never considered that those couple of pounds were ok. Then when I was in college I added obsessive workouts at the gym.
I’ve done this dieting thing for years, battling with the feelings of being fat. Been anxious thinking - oh if I could just lose this much weight or tone this area I’d be happy. It’s utterly exhausting. After marriage and starting a career my focused changed. I didn’t find the time for exercise and I didn’t want to battle diets anymore. So I gorged. 120 pds later and I am back to a healthy weight but once again battling long set behaviors and emotions. Now I get to add anger over what the excessive weight gain has done to body. My thoughts aren’t about what others think, I could care less. It’s what I see when I look at myself, that’s the person I can’t seem to make happy. I’m one extreme to the other and always focusing on what is wrong with my appearance or what I need to work on to make it better.
RSS Feed
